How to find your way back to Allah (my journey as a revert)

I grew up thinking that life had no purpose.

You’re born, you search for happiness, you die, the end.

Then I found Islam (or it found me)

And everything started to shift.

Suddenly, God was real.

And i was going to be held accountable for everything.

Every word.

Every action.

Every thought.

Terrifying.

You know that uncomfortable feeling when you sense someone watching you? Now imagine knowing they can read your mind too.

That's how i felt.

I imagined Allah as a stern judge, always watching, not to protect me, but to catch me doing something wrong.

I've always tried to be kind to others, but I never stopped myself from judging people in my head. I figured, “As long as I don’t say it out loud, it doesn’t matter, right?”

But now… it did.

I had nowhere to hide.

I wasn’t just being watched, I was being seen, completely.

No hiding. No inner world that was “mine.”

It felt as if I’d been living in a house with closed blinds all my life and suddenly someone ripped them open and stood there watching.

Here’s what I didn’t get at the time:

I was projecting.

I wasn’t seeing Allah as He describe himself. Instead, i saw Him through the lens of my pain, my past, and my perfectionism.

The parts of me that thought love had to be earned.

That love was conditional.

But that wasn’t Him.

That was me.

We Start with Rules, Not with Relationship

So many of us, whether you’re a revert, born Muslim returning to faith, or even just curious, start our journey in the same place: with the rules.

What’s haram. What’s halal. What you must do and what you must leave.

Rushing to fix our outward behavior while our hearts remain untouched.

And to be fair, it’s not entirely our fault.

A lot of Islamic content, family culture, and even masjid environments emphasize performance before belief.

“Do this, don’t do that.”

If you ask too many questions, you’re being difficult. If you’re struggling, you’re told to “just have more faith.”

This is dangerous, because without knowing who Allah is, we end up following Him out of fear or pressure, not love and trust.

“The heart in its journey to Allah is like a bird. Love is its head, and fear and hope are its two wings. When the head is healthy, then the two wings will fly well. When the head is cut off, the bird will die. When either of the two wings is damaged, the bird becomes vulnerable to every hunter and predator.” – Ibn al-Qayyim (raḥimahullāh)

The Prophet ﷺ spent the first 13 years in Makkah focusing entirely on building faith. The people were taught about Tawheed (the oneness of Allah), the Day of Judgment, Paradise, Hellfire, and most importantly: who Allah is.

Only after that foundation was built did the rulings come.

We’ve flipped that method.

We start with rules before realtionship.

Action before understanding.

Fear before love.

Building on a cracked foundation

When you follow islam without knowing who Allah truly is, cracks form in your foundation.

And they show up everywhere.

I’ve heard so many stories from my Muslim friends, how, as kids, their Qur’an teachers scared them with stories of hell.

How they got punished for not memorizing fast enough.

How fear was used as fuel.

I’ll never understand that.

Because here’s what happens when the only version of Allah you know is “the One who punishes”:

• You feel like you’ll never be good enough.

• You burn out trying to change overnight.

• You constantly compare your faith to everyone else’s.

• Even when you’re doing the right things... you still feel ashamed, disconnected, numb.

And guess who feeds on that?

Shaytan.

He whispers doubt.

He magnifies your fear.

He tells you you’re too far gone.

That Allah’s tired of you.

That he'll never forgive you.

That your sins are too many.

But that’s a lie.

I want you to read this hadith, not with your eyes, but with your heart.

Put yourself in the moment. Picture your own mother. Or yourself, if you have children.

Let that sink in.

Allah isn’t watching to catch you messing up.

He’s watching because He loves you.

Because He cares about you deeply.

He knows your private battles, your heartbreak, your secret prayers, your sins and still, He chooses mercy over punishment.

Remember that ayah I mentioned earlier?

The one that used to terrify me, about Allah knowing our secrets and what’s even more hidden?

Now it comforts me.

Because I know who Allah is.

What used to feel like pressure.

Now feels like protection.

He sees.

He forgives.

And I’m not alone.

Start With Allah. Let Everything Else Follow.

If you’re just beginning your journey, or coming back after some time away, start with Allah.

Not with the rules.

Not with the fear.

Start with Him.

Learn His names. Sit with His attributes.

Ask yourself: Do I really know who my Lord is?

• Al-Wadud – The Most Loving

• Ar-Rahman – The Entirely Merciful

• At-Tawwab – The One who accepts repentance, again and again

• Al-Hakim – The All-Wise, whose plan is always perfect, even when I don’t fully understand it

When you know who He is, obedience stops feeling like pressure.

You don’t follow Him out of guilt.

You follow because you love Him.

You let go of sins because you trust that Allah knows best.

And if you're wondering how to live that trust in real life, how to actually balance tawakkul (reliance on Allah) with your own effort, check out the Tie Your Camel guide where I share the complete framework that helped me find that balance.

Because trust without action is just wishful thinking.

And action without trust? That's just anxiety dressed up as productivity.

💌 Final Thought

If your relationship with Islam feels like a burden, step back.

Not from Islam itself, but from the way you’ve been taught to approach it.

Don’t start by trying to be perfect.

Don’t start with a checklist of rules.

Start with getting to know Allah.

That’s what your soul is craving.

Let His names soften you.

Let His mercy guide you.

Let His love change you.

The rest will follow.

I’ll end with this beautiful du’a:

Thank you for reading ♡

with love,

- Lina